It was only a phase...

I think one of the hardest aspects of leaving the farm is letting go of my image that was defined by it.

Not long ago I was in the feed store browsing the shelves, and I realized in a moment that of all of the familiar products, I would have need of none in this new life, on my new journey.

All of the knowledge, competence and confidence that related to the farm are no longer part of my reality. It no longer matters that I can diagnose and treat a myriad of veterinary ailments… that I can throw, worm, vaccinate and trim a flock of sheep in an afternoon…or manage acres of land for rotational grazing…stack hay or run a line of fence...turn and deliver a malpresentation…or tube and resuscitate a lamb…It is no longer part of my life…

Where do I put the ribbons, awards and recognitions for someone I no longer am?

Most of the people I come into contact with on a daily basis have never known this side of me…and couldn’t even begin to imagine me this way. They know only a small part of who I am…and very little of who I have been. In fact, our knowledge of others is so situational…we can hardly say we know another at all.

Fundamentally, I think we all long to be known…not just in part…but wholly…for someone to know and hold our complete history – all of our gifts, our grief, our talent and trials. We seek approval; validation for all that is good within us. But for most, the risk is too great. Revealing ourselves to another person, wholly, leaves us open to rejection – or worse – condemnation, because not all that is in us is good. So we guard…and isolate…and along with the feeling of being unknown, we are filled with loneliness and despair. It is at times like these that I am so grateful for my faith. It doesn’t matter who I was, what images of me I have lived and let go of. No part of me or my experience has been lost. There is Someone who knows me, wholly, and loves me unconditionally, and always has.

Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose. Jeremiah 1:5

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me…You know my thoughts…You know everything I do… Psalm 139:1-4

There is no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus, who walk not according to the flesh. Romans 8:1

It has taken me a lifetime to realize that my image, in and of myself has no significance. What this world needs, what draws others to me is not me, my competence, my interests, or my aptitudes…none of which come from me. They are only phases I go through...What draws others to me is the hope they see in me…the light reflected from me, that is Christ in me.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I can’t allow myself to be defined by the limited nature of another person or how others have experienced me - my image - or by the limits I would place on myself because of my experiences. Some know me as a child, a mother, a teacher, a customer, an athlete, a woman, a social worker, a wife, a shepherdess, a daughter, a dancer, a neighbor, a conference presenter, a student, a victim, a stranger, a patient, a trainer, a writer…By how many different limited images am I known…defined? Each is only a facet of me…designed not to be a representation of the person I am…but a prism to reflect the light that is in me.

As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him - you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood. 1 Peter 2:4,5

I have only one identity…and that is the light I reflect, regardless of the image it is reflected through. Letting go of an image is not a loss…it is a change that allows the light within me to be reflected from a different angle. The more facets that reflect the light, the more brilliant the reflection. The world does not need to see me. I am already seen and approved by one who knows me. Like the moon…my image is nothing but a phase...ever changing...I am nothing to the world around me…invisible…unless I reflect a greater light.

Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God's people. 1 Peter 2:10

I have always loved doing my farm chores late at night, and delighting in the changes of the moon. Each phase holds its own beauty. Some nights the light reflected is dim...some nights there is no moon to be seen at all...but I know that it is there. I especially love the nights when the moon is so bright, it is like daylight. It astounds me that all men the world over, see the same moon, no matter where they are, no matter what they are experiencing...and that that one moon reflects only one light...night after night - ever changing...yet always the same.

Even so let your light shine before men; that they may see your good deeds, and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16