What is written to me...

I don’t know what brings a person to want to know what is in the mind of another. Many of you have come to this blog because you enjoy the stories of sheep and rural life. Some have been entertained, others inspired. I didn’t want these writings to be intimate. I felt protected as long as I could write about sheep – or something outside of me. And now I feel compelled to continue writing, without the veil of my sheep. I feel vulnerable. Because everything is changing. The farm will be no more. Or at least, no longer as I knew it.

Beginning today – I am the sheep. He is my Shepherd. I will understand if for some, if this intimacy means parting ways, and wish you well on your journey. May you continue to find your heart’s desire, and may you always have a voice to guide you. For those that choose to stay…I hope you find something of value in my experience that speaks to your heart.

Shepherding has made me a different person. Not only have I learned what it is to be a shepherd, I have learned what it is to have a Shepherd. That there is no life without one. So many can learn from the text, but not me. I have always needed to take the field trip, the rugged path…with God, my patient guide, the hand that holds tightly to mine as I trip along beside Him. He is my Shepherd. If you could see me, you would see scraped knees, torn shirt sleeves and a lot of dust to mark the journey I have taken to be where I am. You would know that there are many times along the way that I have been carried as a lamb in His arms, because I lacked the strength to walk alone. This faith was not gained from a moral story, this is not book knowledge.

Many who live outside of faith are under the false impression that faith brings an absence of suffering - that knowing what is good and right somehow protects us from what is bad or wrong. It doesn’t. In fact, the knowledge of how things should be makes us suffer more when they aren’t. What faith does is give us hope and comfort in suffering. We know that whatever pain we suffer is not unbearable, because we do not bear it alone. We are sustained by hope, and promises that are not of this world, and so cannot be taken from us.

My farm and my sheep have been my peace, my fulfillment, despite my personal circumstances. A substitute for what should have been. A gift from a loving God to my hurting heart. In my personal life there are issues of abandonment, rejection, betrayal, neglect and abuse. In caring for my sheep, I have learned how tenderly God has cared for me, and ministered to me regardless of what appeared to be happening. He did this to bring me to this point where seasons change. In the seasons of the shepherd, the barn is stripped clean in the summer; new life is conceived in the fall; winter shelters, as that new life takes shape in hidden places growing within another; and in the spring, a new life is born into the freedom of itself. The seasons are no longer my farm. They are me.

The farm and all of my animals are for sale. My family is dividing. It feels like I am losing everything that I have held on to…at the hands of the one who hurt me. It appears that it won’t end until all is destroyed. Despite the appearances, in my heart I know that though this may be the reality I am facing, it is not the truth. What I hold in my heart cannot be destroyed. Either I do, or I don’t trust God. This is not His Promised Land. This is captivity. Why would I cling to what I have, and miss what He has for me? Has He ever been anything but good to me? In this world we see a shadow of things to come. We experience pain and loss, but through them He reveals the fulfillment of His promises, the goodness of His love. And has He not lovingly prepared me for this moment? As I look back over the blogs, I can see His hands of love…his writing on my heart…His strength for this moment in time.

I can’t say I have ever enjoyed writing these blogs. Quite the contrary. Each represents a personal struggle within me to grasp a truth, an insight, or a teaching from the heart of God. Many struggles have gone unwritten…too difficult to put into words. My shepherding experience has transformed me. It has drawn me closer to the heart of God than anything in life I have ever experienced. I am grateful. Looking back, each of these blogs is prophetic. Each one holds a truth that sustains me now, that has shaped me into the person I am today, preparing me for the path ahead.

Glancing through the things I had written, I was amazed at what struck me afresh…as though I hadn’t written them, but that they had been written to me.

I started where I began to write…

First Lamb of 2008: In the poem of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow…that grief must have its way…

Good Morning to Ewe: being reminded that God is with me wherever I am…and that as great as my concern is for my sheep…God’s concern for me is greater.

A New Generation: sometimes the thing we need to do is the very thing we don’t want to do. The Shepherd is there in those times, to help and guide us.

Transitions: I have come to know that the Shepherd is at work on my behalf in ways I cannot see…that nothing I experience is unnoticed by Him, and all is filtered through His hands of love for me…transition is the most dangerous time…it must occur slowly…according to my condition and not my desire…I want to move forward…but the timing is not up to me…A Good Shepherd protects the me from myself…sets limits…fighting against those limits is fighting against the protection that sustains me.

New Life: in times of struggle, what is needed most is hope…there is justice in this world, but we don’t always understand it…vengeance does not lessen your suffering, it increases the suffering in the world…I wish I didn’t have to let go…there is nothing we can hold on earth…when we let go, God takes hold…we can trust Him

Brooding: am I brooding over pointless pursuits? …if it has no promise of life…it must be let go…

Blood Brothers: conflict and pain do not imply the absence of the Shepherd…sometimes they are necessary to establish right position…

Notso: I need to recognize when enough is enough…some things are beyond my control…and some things die

What is Best: my life was not meant to be out of balance…when one thing dominates, other things suffer…what is good can choke out what is best…when we refuse to choose, we are only a half-hearted servant of the cause…we need to have enough courage to choose…we need empty places to grow…

Feed My Sheep: I feel called out from my flock into His…to minister to His flock as tenderly and wholly as I did mine…

Sheep Shells: the things we cling to in this life are a hindrance, and in order to experience the life we’re intended to live, in freedom, we must let them go…in that particular blog, I was referring to sin – but now I see it so much larger. It isn’t just sin and shame we cling to - we cling to our identities, our possessions…things of no lasting significance…I found myself in trying circumstances…reduced to the most pathetic conditions…having forgotten completely what it felt like to move freely…and holding on…choking, but not wanting to submit to the change that would release me…

Redemption: lives can be transformed…brokenness can become a blessing in the lives of others…

Flock Mentality: I am the sheep that remains faithful…in pleasure and pain…finding comfort and security in the presence Shepherd alone

What sees me through? He does. It says in Scripture:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD, “ They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish nor grief nor pain, for the old conditions and the old order of things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

Revelation is a book of prophecy…promises for the future…if in this world we see a shadow of things to come, surely He is revealing this promise even now…in my life, in these circumstances. If one day He can remove all sorrow, He can remove this sorrow…but even if He doesn’t, he has promised me good. And I will remain faithful.